THE LOVE MODEL
Love is the essence of life. It is the foundation of all human connection. Love is why most of us get up in the morning, and why we have a desire for life. Love is such a powerful force, and yet, most of us cannot define it.
Years ago, a mentor of mine named Paul Chek introduced me to a model for understanding love. The structure and simplicity resonated with me, and has stuck with me ever since. As I have used it for myself and with my clients I have refined it even further. This love model helps to clarify love for ourselves and for others. The love model is a four-tier system that starts with the lowest form of love and works its way up. The four levels of love include:
Sex & Violent Love
Conditional Love
Compassionate & Empathetic Love
Unconditional Love
Before going into detail about each level, it’s important to understand a level that is not on the model, which is apathy. Apathy is defined as neglect, indifference, and the absence of love. In the case of apathy you cannot judge love because it is not being expressed in any way. Because of the nature of apathy, it is actually worse then sex and violent love. Now, let’s dive into each level on the love model.
Sex & Violent Love
As the name implies, this level relates to any act of sex or violence. This is the first level of love because everyone was born from an act of sex. Since the very creation of life comes from sex, there is nothing right or wrong about it; however, there are many distorted perceptions around it.
During the course of our lives we have all experienced some type of violence. The expression of violent love relates to abuse, which can happen in the ways of physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual abuse. Violent and abusive love is rooted in the negative feelings of anger, resentment, fear and shame. The unhealthy expression of these negative feelings is violence, and the act of violence leads to more negative feelings, which creates a cycle. If the cycle continues for too long it creates a core emotional wound. In order to escape the cycle, one must uncover the root cause, which is most commonly associated with childhood trauma.
One positive aspect of violent love is that it can serve as a powerful learning opportunity. We commonly learn what we want from seeing/receiving what we do not want. We learn how to be kind from the unkind. We learn restraint from the wild. Hopefully, we learn from our mistakes as well as from other people.
It is important to stress that the love model not only applies to how you love others but also how you love yourself. It is very common for people to abuse themselves with unhealthy choices in one or more areas of their life. When it comes to health, choosing not to get enough sleep, eating highly processed food, and not exercising regularly, are all forms of violent love and abuse towards yourself.
The way you love yourself is a reflection of how you love others.
Conditional Love
A type of love that is dependent upon, restricted, or limited by a condition. With this being said, we need to define and understand what a condition is. A condition is any type of conscious or unconscious agreement, boundary, or guideline that must be met in order for things to work—in this case love. Conditional love is commonly connected to the verbal expressions such as: I only love you if… I only love you when… I love you but… For example, “I only love you when you do the dishes and pick up the kids.” If the condition is not met then love is not expressed. Interestingly enough, all business is conditional love, with the condition being money. One party agrees to provide a product/service/idea and the other party provides money in exchange; once this happens the condition is met. One universal condition that most people don’t consider is time. Time creates a condition, and thus, if I love you today there is always the possibility that I won’t love you, or love you as much, tomorrow. You and I may not be here tomorrow (possible death), which means that love will no longer exist.
When you love yourself conditionally, you only get to have love after your specific condition has been met. This can be a wonderful thing, if you are setting healthy conditions to follow. However, most people set unrealistic and cruel conditions, or have unconscious (from childhood) conditions that further prevent self-love. Unfortunately, this can be a dangerous game in which an endless number of conditions hold you back from giving yourself love. For example, when you accomplish a goal (the condition) then you will receive the possession/experience/feeling that you wanted (getting love). If you don’t achieve the goal, you don’t get love. Getting stuck at conditional love is perpetuated by the limiting belief that you need to do or have something before you can have love.
A good way to implement conditional love for yourself is by setting healthy self-imposed boundaries, which are essential for a functional life. These boundaries create a framework for you to live life, while still being safe, secure, and healthy. As a child it was your parents’ responsibility to set those boundaries, but now as an adult, you have to set them. When it comes to your life, you need to set self-imposed boundaries on how much food, sleep, movement, relationships, work, money, etc. is ok and not ok. Conditional love is the logical step if you are stuck and struggling with moving out of sex & violence love. Setting conditions is necessary to stop abuse.
Compassionate & Empathetic Love
At this level, love is a demonstration of understanding and feeling yourself and others. Compassion means to understand and empathy means to feel. When it comes to connecting with others, compassion is about seeing things from another person’s perspective, and empathy is about relating, connecting, and being sensitive to their emotions. If you are being compassionate and empathetic you are in touch with their experience and you can hold space for their thoughts and feelings. This level of love has more to do with being present with and acknowledging another, rather than trying to fix or project opinions. In order for compassion and empathy to fully occur there must be a similar life experience on the other side. For example, if you’re connecting with a parent and you are not a parent, it will be extremely difficult to have compassion and empathy for that person. You might demonstrate this level of love to a certain extent, but without having a child yourself it will be impossible for you to fully understand or feel what they are going through. Of course, there are always other factors and details about another person that you will relate and connect with, and parts that you can hold love for.
Now, when it comes to this type of love in relation to yourself most of the same principles apply; however, it may look a little different. First and foremost the process requires stepping back and observing how you love yourself. Because without self-observation you will probably be clueless on the level of love you are living in. Some great forms of self-observation include: meditation, journaling, writing, time for deep thoughts, working with a coach/therapist, or connecting with a loved one. Unlike loving others, loving yourself is a full-time endeavor and it requires constant attention and care. You must be in touch with all of your pieces and parts and allow yourself to feel all of your feelings. Compassion and empathy are the foundation for your worthiness, and a constant reminder that you are enough. When you show up on this level it’s a beautiful thing.
Unconditional Love
The highest form of love is unconditional Love. I will refer to unconditional love as Love with a capital L. Love is synonymous with God. Love has no conditions, which means that there are no regulations or limits. Love is everything and is all-inclusive. In the conditional love segments, a condition is any type of conscious or unconscious agreement, boundary, or guideline that must be met. As the name unconditional implies, there are no conditions. Love is the transcendence of all love; it goes beyond and includes all the previous levels. In other words, Love is the synthesis of all love and all life, which includes all of life’s dualistic nature. This means that Love is everything, it’s good and evil, it’s all the light and all the dark, and it’s all the positive and all the negative. Love includes all polarities and transcends them. Furthermore, since Love is unconditional and time is a condition, it does not function in relation to time. It has no timeline of past, present, or future events. Love is like a circle where time functions only in the present moment. Everything and nothing is happening all at once, all of which arises here and now.
If there are no conditions and no references to time, human beings cannot express unconditional Love. We exist in time and everything we do holds some type of condition, so it is impossible to act out unconditional Love. Love is not a verb. However, we do live within the constructs of Love, and thus, we are manifestations of Love. Hence the saying, “We are all children of God.” And so, the one exception that I would offer is that Love can be experienced. Love cannot be done as an action, but I believe it can be experienced through being. You can connect with Love through the simple means of just living and being. Who you are is Love, in this moment and in all moments. This is why meditation is so powerful, you aren’t doing anything but being, which is experiencing Love. The trouble for most people is that they try (doing/action) so hard to express Love that they miss the experience of Love. The more they use their body and mind to go after it, the further they get from it. In this physical world that we live in, it’s so easy to miss the obvious nature of Love. Love is not something you do, it’s something you are.
Hopefully, this section provides some clarity around Love, and does not discourage the desire to love as fully as humanly possible.
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