The Dark Side of Goals

THE DARK SIDE OF GOALS

For years I convinced myself that goals were the pathway to happiness. I believed that achieving or having more on the outside would finally make me feel complete on the inside. I guess I never stopped to question why I was setting them in the first place.

Some of my most valuable lessons learned have been through not achieving goals, and about understanding the dark side of goals. I’ve learned how most of my goals were about trying to impress other people and get respect. I learned how I was constantly comparing myself and seeking to get my self-worth through others. And, that my goal setting was about unconsciously sabotaging myself, so that part of me would get attention by playing small and feeling ashamed. In other words, my struggle with goals forced me to uncover my emotional wounds that I had not healed yet.

Is there a deeper reason for setting the goal in the first place? Are the goals we set doing more harm than good? Maybe it’s time to analyze this concept and take a different approach.

THE EMOTIONAL CYCLE

Goals seem so logical and straight forward, so why don’t they work? This is probably because goals are logical, but, our human behavior is largely emotional. Achieving a goal is almost impossible if there is an emotional issue controlling our behavior. If this is the case, we will find ourselves struggling with this common emotional cycle.

We decide to set a goal to improve our life in some way. We want to have or do more for some reason, but deep down, we’re not exactly sure why we’re even setting the goal in the first place. Our “thinking mind” convinces us that changing our circumstances will result in more happiness. When we do this, we believe that the outcome will make things better. And so, we create the conditional belief that having/doing something outside of us will improve something inside of us.

Then we begin to work towards that goal. Our initial motivation leads to some action and achievement. But somewhere along the line, we lose our drive or begin to self-sabotage our efforts. We look back on our goal, which we didn’t fully accomplish, and we’re filled with a collection of negative feelings. We feel frustrated and disappointed. We lose a little bit of confidence and start to doubt in our ability to achieve and follow through. Our perceived failure leads to self-judgment. But more than anything, we feel ashamed. At the bottom of all these terrible feelings, we want nothing more than to change. We hate the shame and want to cover it up. To get out of the funk and to secretly suppress our feelings, we have the great idea to set another goal—a bigger goal. Part of us is convinced that the solution is to do it all over, with the conviction that, “This time it’s going to be different. And this time, I am going to make it happen!”

CHANGE & JUDGMENT

When our desire to change stems from a place of dissatisfaction or self-hatred, there is always an underlying judgment from within. Being honest with where we currently are is different than judging and criticizing ourselves. Judging ourselves leads to suffering and unpleasant feelings. Every time we attach a harsh judgment onto our progress in life, we slow down and prevent change from happening. The stronger the judgment or criticism towards self, the more we lock in the energetic vibration (feeling) of unhappiness or self-hatred. And then, when we don’t see results, we continue to push harder, but more effort only makes things worse and amplifies the negative feelings.

Instead of coming from a place of dissatisfaction and judgment, what if we set goals out of curiosity and desire?

NON-ATTACHMENT

The more you are okay with getting what you don’t want, the less judgment you have towards it; and, the more open you are to receiving something new and better. Loving what you don’t want releases the attachment you have placed onto it. There is nothing wrong with your current circumstance, only the story that you have made it out to be. If you don’t have as much money as you like, that’s okay. If you’re overweight and out of shape right now, that’s okay. If you’re depressed, that’s okay. The more you come to terms with your situation, without judgment, the more available you become. When you’re at peace with where you are, you become open and ready to experience change.

Often, the judgment is on the feelings associated with the situation. By recognizing and accepting your feelings as they are you lessen your attachment to them. This process allows your feelings the freedom to move, without holding them down with your thinking.

FOCUS ON YOUR VALUES

The direction in which you move is more important than any goal. The direction is either in alignment or out of alignment with your highest values. Who cares what goals you accomplish, if they are not congruent with your values? So, instead of focusing on setting goals, the focus should be on living according to your highest values. If you don’t know your values, how do you know if you’re going in the right direction? After all, making progress only matters if it pertains to what’s most important, meaningful, and valuable to you. Rather than focusing on goals, you could focus on the progressive fulfillment of your values. Finally, goals are almost always about the outcome. When you focus your values, you focus on the process. The process is about the journey you are on, and the character of your being.

Is this decision in alignment with who I am (my highest values)?

FOCUS ON YOUR PURPOSE

Your purpose is your soul’s calling—your unique contribution to this world. If your goals are counter to your purpose, then there is a problem. When you connect with your purpose, your purpose acts like a driving force that pulls you up. The essence of your purpose is communicated to you through your soul. The more you listen to the inner guidance of your soul the more aligned and on purpose you will be.

This process of listening and following your soul can often be counter to goals because of the rigidness of how we set goals. The reason for this is that we set goals in a very structured way, which doesn’t allow for change. Our “thinking mind” steps in and tries to control the process by setting goals that cannot be altered or changed. Instead of listening to our soul we listen to our mind. This is a huge problem, especially when our soul is encouraging—no, screaming at us—to change our approach and direction for life. Our achievements will never be fulfilling if they are out of alignment with our soul. What’s more important: our mind’s belief in goals, or our soul’s calling?

Whenever we are faced with a decision, we can ask ourselves: What does this have to do with the purpose of my soul?

Hope you enjoyed this post. Leave a comment below and let me know what you think!