I AM A CONTROL FREAK
‘If I could just control everything, I would finally get everything I ever wanted.’ Part of me wants so badly to believe that. The control freak inside, which is mostly in my head, tries to convince me that I can control everything and everyone outside of me. It’s both comical and depressing. Because at the end of the day, it’s f#%king exhausting, and it doesn’t work.
YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL TWO THINGS
You can only control two things: your perceptions and your decisions. Both are being controlled by your mind. Your perceptions include all your stories of the past, and what you believe is to come in the future. These perceptions create your mental filter, which dictates your decisions. You make decisions with past experiences in mind, along with future possibilities. With this information, you act accordingly. Whatever happens afterward is the reaction or result, which is out of your control. Almost everything else is the ego’s perception of control.
The concept of control is directly connected to the ego and the mind. The ego exists inside the mind—predominantly in the subconscious (feeling mind), and to a lesser degree, in the conscious (thinking mind). The subconscious is the emotional center driving most of our behaviors. When our ego is challenged, we either react subconsciously or respond consciously. In most cases, reacting occurs because our ego feels attacked, and so, its reaction is to defend itself. When this happens, part of us (an ego part) takes over the self and controls our behavior. Making reactionary decisions are subconsciously (feeling) driven. Until we can resolve the emotional story (perception) of that ego part, it will stay defended, and act out.
Control is addictive and maddening. The desire to control everything is like gravity pulling us in. We are sucked into its attractive forces and manipulated to believe that we can control more than what is possible. Our egos fall for the illusion that we can control more than our perceptions and decisions. Every time we realize our limitations, and how ridiculous we are being, it’s maddening.
THE PARADOX OF CONTROL
In order to gain a sense of control, you must have first been out of control. In other words, control is something that you are trying to gain because you don’t have it. If this is the case, is it useless to try to control anything? Is control an illusion of our own creation?
To certain a degree, I think that we are all control freaks. More accurately, our egos are control freaks. Part of us believes in the illusion that we can control everything. And so, we try to control other people, outside circumstances, and every outcome. This control shows up in many forms, especially when it comes to possession. We have an insatiable urge to own more and more. We want to own more money, more cars, more homes, more things, etc. We even want to own and possess other people. We claim others as “my employee,” “my child,” “my wife or my husband.” We want to control other people’s opinions about us. And the list goes on and on.
Why do we want control anyway? Could it be that we are terrified of the unknown? Maybe control is a protective mechanism to defend us from excess fear. Maybe feeling in control is necessary for creating a sense of safety and stability. If any of this is true, then control isn’t bad or good, it’s just a tool that we use to help us manage life, because life is full of fear and uncertainty. After all, we need tools to help us deal with certain challenges, and control seems to be one of those tools.
Of course, too much control can hold us back. Trying to control everything shuts us off from the unknown, which is where change and the essence of being alive happens. The true experience of life is about accepting the nature of surprise. The control freak inside of us hates surprise, but that’s where the richness of life is. The goal then is to find the mean, or the balance between a sense of control and the courage to move into the unknown.
THE UNKNOWN & COURAGE
The other half of the balance is accepting the unknown. The unknown is what makes life exciting and worthwhile. If we knew exactly what was going to happen, what would be the point? Our higher self accepts the unknown. Having a higher level of consciousness, is necessary to see the importance of the unknown. And, all growth and learning happen because of the unknown. We cannot move forward by trying to control everything. We cannot move forward by resisting change and staying in our comfort zone. We must step into the unknown time and time again. So, why don’t we embrace the unknown? Because the unknown creates fear. As challenging as fear may be, it’s by no means a bad thing. Without fear there would be no courage. We wouldn’t be able to express the amazing virtue of courage without first being afraid.
The unknown is the world of your dreams, and fear is the gatekeeper. The only way through is to discover the key and then use it. Discovering it is one thing, and using it is another. So, the process is twofold: understanding and applying.
The key is courage. Courage will open any gate and grant access to any dream.
However, courage is only a generality, for you must discover your own specific courage—your own specific key. Because not all courage is the same, just as not all fear is the same. You must understand your fear so that you can find your courage. Is it the fear of loss, death, disease, poverty, or failure? What is it? Only then will you know what key to use. Fortunately, fear is an emotion that is always communicating a specific message. All you have to do is listen.
The hard part comes after discovering your fear and knowing what key to use. This part is about applying your courage and turning that key! Courage is about having a reason or a cause that is bigger than your fear—it’s something deep within you. Your big reason is what lies beyond the gates and into the unknown, which is your dream. Without a big enough dream, you will never use your courage to breakthrough. In every situation of wanting something new there will be the gatekeeper of fear. So, stop wanting the fear to go away, and start getting inspired about what lies on the other side.
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