THE STORIES WE TELL OURSELVES
When I was a child I had significant learning challenges around reading and writing. In second grade I was separated and forced into my first remedial English class. Over the years my problem only got worse. Then in middle school I was placed into the dunce class with only 3 other kids. During that time, I created a story about what that meant to me, which was intensified by all the feelings of inadequacy and shame. As I attached onto that story I also created some serious limiting beliefs. ‘I am not good enough. I am stupid and incapable of learning. I hate reading, writing, and learning.’ I told myself that story for so long that it became part of my identity. I couldn’t escape it. I struggled all the way through high school, and finished my last remedial English class freshman year of college. I finally broke through and was able to detach from that degrading story.
After going through all the difficulty, I eventually realized that I had a new desire for learning. It was out of my perceived lack of ability, that I wanted nothing more than to master reading and writing, and to become as intelligent as possible. I started creating a new story, one that served and helped me. I learned how to transform my pain around reading and writing into tremendous pleasure for both of them.
THE CREATION OF A STORY
We are constantly creating stories in our head about who we are, our experience of others, and our interpretation of the world. In every situation, we are either consciously or unconsciously, creating an internal perception about all the events and people in our life. The way our mind makes sense of all this is by creating specific narratives about what someone or something means. The structures of these narratives get reinforced with repetition and emotion, which then become our stories. The more we believe them to be true the more we attachment onto them.
However, if we were to challenge our stories, we would find that most if not all do not match up with reality. The story is merely a version of what happened. The further away the story is from the truth the more detrimental it is to us and everyone around us. Our stories are often full of judgments, fabrications, and limiting beliefs. When we associate these components to our version of what happened, we are bound to experience unpleasant emotions and suffering.
WHY DO WE CREATE THEM?
There are two basic reasons why we create these stories in our mind. The first is because we are trying to get our authentic needs met. This can relate to any area of our life, whether it is mental/emotional, physical/health, spiritual, relationship, financial, or vocational. Our stories convince and reassure us that we are going in the right direction. Once we see that they are working and benefiting us in some way we begin to attach onto it.
The second reason is to protect us from trauma. In many cases, the truth of what happened to us was too painful for us to bear. Unconsciously, our minds distort the truth for survival. Creating a story allows us to recall pieces of the truth, while altering and blocking out other pieces. For this reason, our stories are often incomplete and fragmented. With the belief and attachment onto the story comes a new mental filter. The inevitable by-product is an altered mental perception. Therefore, the stories we create and follow directly influence our outlook on life and distort the truth.
THE STORY, THE AUTHOR, & THE READER, WHICH ONE IS YOU?
Without even noticing it, your story can strengthen to the point where you cannot differentiate it from reality. You are the story to the degree that you are attached to it. The story becomes so real that you make choices because of what’s happening in the story. In this sense, you are subjectively living inside the story. You are not the reader who can objectively read and look at the story, or the author who understands that it is separate from him/her. When the narrative stops serving you, and you continue to hold onto it, you inevitably struggle. In order to stop this pattern, you must first become aware of the story, the reader, and the author.
The Story: The narrative that you have consciously or unconsciously created.
The Reader: The observer reading the story. This could be yourself (often times we read our own stories) or another person.
The Author: You are the author, and the creator of your stories. It is your choice what you want to create next.
Being able to read your own story is a crucial tool in order for you to detach, self-assess, and understand where you are at. The best way to do this is through meditation. Once you understand where you are, you can take the role of the author and create the next chapter.
LETTING GO OF YOUR WEIRD STORIES
Your mind can only concentrate on one concept at a time. When you focus on a story, your mind is consumed with a collection of thoughts and feelings about that story. There might be 50 other stories inside your head, however, you cannot think of them because your mind is busy focusing on the other story. In many cases, you fixate onto one story and lose yourself inside of it. When you do this you believe all the judgments, fabrications, and limiting beliefs connected to it. Your stories take up space that inhibits your growth, and they block you off from new opportunities.
As long as you continue telling yourself a past story, you are going into the past and reliving it. Thinking about the story incapacitates you from being in the moment and creating the next chapter of your life. How can you experience something new, when your mind is immersed inside a previous story? Many of us want to change and get different results, but our attachments to our stories keep us thinking the same thoughts. You cannot experience novelty until you unbind your attachments to your story.
The longer you hold onto the story the more familiar it becomes and the harder it is to break away from. When you’re subjectively inside the story, you begin to identify with the story, believing that it’s who you are. Any attempt to detach and let go of the story will result in tremendous fear. This fear arises because you think that part of you is dying. But, who you are is not the story. You are the author, and you’re deciding to simply let go of the story. Much of this process is about deconstructing your stories, and reconnecting with reality. It’s about finding a way to release all the judgments and criticism that you made, and taking responsibility for your creation and actions related to it.
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