Going Beyond the Urge to Compare Ourselves
Before starting this blog, I felt compelled to look at all the notable people that I follow online and compare myself to them. There was this urge to measure myself up next to others, but I knew that it was leading me down the wrong path. I had to let go of that urge and reconnect with myself. Because I realized that this blog is an expression of my creativity and authenticity. And by looking at everyone else, I was only denying what I really had to offer. So this first post, is about going beyond that unhealthy urge to compare ourselves with others.
The Need for Comparison
As social beings, we have a subconscious need for acknowledgement and recognition. This creates the desire to know where we stand in comparison to others. The reason we do this is to get a social reference point to help us track our progress. We instinctively look outside of ourselves as a means of measuring our own level of status, sense of belonging, and connection. Thus, comparing ourselves with others is a natural phenomenon that we all must go through. However, social comparison becomes unhealthy when we place too much value on what other people are doing. When this happens, we obsess over making each other either superior or inferior, which leads to objectifying others and ourselves.
Unfortunately, this process will always be an uphill battle, because we all grew up conditioned to compare and compete with others. If you had siblings you compared yourself to them from the day you were born. When you went to school or church you couldn’t help but measure yourself up next to everyone else. And if you played sports or created any type of art you probably experienced a heavy dose of unhealthy comparison. Over time comparing ourselves become second nature, and the default setting is to constantly try and match, out do, and imitate everyone around us. And with the advent of social media the scales have been tipped against us, because all social media instigates unhealthy human comparison whether we like it or not.
If we aren’t careful and conscious of our comparisons, we can easily get stuck on an endless treadmill that isn’t even us.
It is amazing how quickly we can lose ourselves by comparing and competing with others. If we measure our success next to another person’s then we are doomed to fail. After all, life is about having our own experience and journey through life. And comparing ourselves to others places a limitation on who we are, along with our own unique set of values and beliefs. The more we look towards everyone else for how to live, the further away we get from ourselves. In truth, the only way to succeed is to determine what success is for us, and the only way to be fulfilled is to determine and live true to our deepest values.
The Dark Side of Comparing Yourself to Others
Getting wrapped up in the game of comparison leads to self-criticism and judgment. When this happens you find yourself asking questions like, ‘How come I am not as smart or good looking as her? Or, why am I not as talented or successful as him?’ You start to believe that something is wrong with you on the inside, and that you have to become something different on the outside. Instead of giving yourself validation and love, you look to get it from others. Without even noticing, you start disconnecting with yourself, because you feel obligated to follow and conform to what you compare yourself to. By doing so, you doubt your significance because you think that it’s suppose to meet the standards of everyone else. But as an adult, your significance should be determined by you and your standards. So, this comparison game sets the foundation for diminishing your self-esteem and self-worth, and starts to establishes the belief that who you are isn’t good enough.
Comparing yourself to others plants the seeds of uncertainty that grows into the weeds of inadequacy and unworthiness.
If your self-worth is determined by the unrealistic standards of others, you will always have to prove your value by doing more. Your sense of identity will become distorted, because you will think that who you are is based on your performance, and in order to be worthy, you will have to be better than others or even perfect. In truth, who you are is more important than what you do.
Going Beyond the Comparison Game
Discover and Live True to Your Values: If you don’t know who you are (you haven’t discovered your values), then you are much more susceptible to losing yourself through comparison. Without knowing your values your identity and authenticity will constantly waver. By know what is most important, meaningful and valuable, you can create a strong foundation to function from.
Focus on Self-Connection: Comparing yourself to others becomes unhealthy the moment you disconnect from yourself. When you disconnect you give your power away, which shifts your consciousness from the inside to the outside. From there, you start to question your self-worth, which opens the door to self-criticism and harsh judgments. With that being said, the goal is to focus on staying connected, and being conscious of your actions. Self-connection means knowing your values and living true to them everyday. It is only from this centered connected place, that can receive true inner guidance. Having a daily practice of introspection or self-time can make all the difference. Examples of introspection might include: meditation, journaling, writing, deep thinking, tai-chi, etc.
Get the F#%k off Social Media: Just a gentle reminder ;) Social media perpetuates unhealthy comparison with others, and is filled with delusional standards. If you choose to have social media, one of the best things you can do is set healthy self-imposed boundaries and follow them. Setting boundaries will ensure that it doesn’t interfere with your life and diminish your self-worth. I am on Instagram Monday-Thursday, and off (I delete the application from my phone) Friday-Sun.
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